I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
