This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
