dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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