There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
