After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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