I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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