I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
