Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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