I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
