70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
