i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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