if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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