I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize