Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize