I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
