Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I faked an abortion last night.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
