bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
