I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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