he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
