i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
