She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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