gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize