"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
