Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I faked an abortion last night.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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