Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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