Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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