Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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