Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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