just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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