did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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