hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
