i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
