drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
