Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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