I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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