I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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