u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
