just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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