I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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