Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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