i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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