end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
