How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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