my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
