It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize