as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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