it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize