Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
