she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
