Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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