I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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