how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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