y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize