If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize