I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
