I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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