Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
