just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I will be naked everywhere
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize