rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
