We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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