The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Never let your siblings swipe right.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
