Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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