i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
