everyone is single if you try hard enough
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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