Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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