youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize