put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
