Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
